Downton 1932
by Charlott-Marie
Summary: Thomas Barrow/Amelia Woods. War, death, drugs and romance (not in that order). Amelia's past comes back to haunt her. (Yes I now realize that Thomas was injecting other stuff into his body to 'turn' him. I thought it was for the pain in his hand... my bad.)
1. Chapter 1

_Hello everyone, been a while. Things have changed and so have the shows. I'd been thinking about Downton Abbey for quite some time and needed to get this out. So, a little short thing, just a little something to get off my chest. I'm starting off a little odd story thing to introduce and summarize what's happened (series 8 episode 7) before I really get into my Downton Abbey story (series 8 episode 8) by having Graham Norton interviewing a few actors and comedians and speaking of their show so here we go! Not all of them, just the one person. I probably explained that really weirdly but I hope you'll understand. _

_I own NONE of it, just the idea._

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><p>Graham Norton had just shaken hands with comedian Jack Whitehall and I was nervous. This would have been the very first, and hopefully not the last chat show I was invited to so I had to be good, or at least entertaining. I could barely hear Graham announce my name when one of the producers grabbed my arm and pushed me towards the curtains. I looked down so I wouldn't miss the step up, and I wouldn't dare trip over my favourite pair of shoes. I looked up and saw nothing but light in my eyes. I kept walking until I felt Graham's warm hands grab mine. My smile grew wilder when I finally saw him. He kissed my cheek and led me towards the couch next to Jack. I kissed Jack's cheek and he whispered how much he loved my character on the Abbey.<p>

"Thank you." I whispered back.

Tremendous cheers and roars filled the room when I looked to my right and out came Patrick Stewart. He came to the couch and saw me. Held my hands and kissed both of my cheeks. Who knew that he would still make me weak in the knees? I felt like I was a teenager again. He waited until I was sat down before he sat. Such a gentleman.

"Now," Graham started. "Before I get on to you Sir Stewart... Marie..." I had taken a sip of my tea when he said my name, I almost choked.

*cough* "Yes Graham." I coughed again.

"Are you alright?" He questioned me after I had gone red in the face slowly breathing in air. "Sorry I ruined your tea? Is that tea you're drinking?"

"Yes, it is." I looked down at my cup of hot tea and made an apologetic face. "I'm so sorry about that!"

"Why are you sorry?" Graham asked.

"Well, because people don't really like me now. They hate me, the producers and writers of the show and some of the other actors as well now. They don't like what's happened and have nowhere to put their anger."

"I completely agree. Amelia, your character on Downton didn't get a very good reception at the beginning."

"No, she didn't." I quickly answered. "Many people didn't like me because, I'm a nobody, which people usually like, but because I wasn't an actor, and because I'm not English. But I think I pulled it off quite well."

"You did, and then people started to like you and what your character was going through."

"Yes," I replied to Graham. "And now they don't like what's happened."

"That was quite a surprise to the viewers and I'm sure to yourself?" Graham questioned me.

"I didn't like it!" Jack retorted. "I was not happy with your character in the end and I refuse to accept it!"

"Well, it wasn't the writers intention to have me stay on the show forever. I'm not Mr. Carson." I smile a little a spoke into my cup "Jim is great by the way, amazing man."

"For those who haven't seen it or want to be caught up..." Graham started, looking at the camera straight ahead of him, then Jack shouted.

"SPOILERS!" Everyone giggled.

"Yes Jack... spoilers, but Marie, if you could give us a run down of Amelia."

"Of course, well, Amelia Woods, now Barrow, is a servant just starting out at the Abbey. She keeps to herself and is very 'servants should be seen and not heard" type of person. She's very reserved, quiet and says the usual niceties 'yes Mr. Carson. Yes Mrs. Hughes. M'Lady M'Lord' and all that."

Graham stopped me and asked me "And she has a thing for Thomas?"

"Yes, she has a big thing for Mr. Barrow." I heard to the left of me Jack's comment.

"Does Thomas have a big thing for her too?" A little innuendo unsurprising from Mr. Whitehall. Without missing a beat I answered back.

"She's seen it. It's huge! Thomas Barrow has a huge thing. Huge! Not for her, but, I mean... wow!" Everyone laughed and Graham had to hide his laughter behind his cards. I raised my cup and looked to the camera with a smile on my face.

"You're welcome Rob." And a gave a 'knowing' wink and sipped my tea.

The laughter had died down a little and I continued. "Anyway, she has a thing for him, which he somewhat knows but doesn't acknowledge, because well, she's a woman. She had heard all these things about him, whispers and servants speaking ill of him and she just doesn't believe it, because he opened a door for her, so he must be nice. Then Amelia just happens to see him exercising with a man. So, when they get back to Downton he confronts her about it because he's scared of what she might say or do. Well, they come up with a compromise, or more of a deal sort of thing. She has family issues that marriage can only solve it and he needs to hide the fact that he's gay by marrying a woman, so they thought 'I don't like you, I don't hate you but I acknowledge your existence and you don't annoy me' and they quietly get married. He gets to have relations with his friend and she gets to keep the inheritance away from her elder sister."

Graham had reminded me of the scene in the stables where Rob and my character got to know each other intimately.

"Oh yes. I was really sad when I read that bit, because for Thomas, he had to do the 'husbandly' thing and get her pregnant and 'be a man' so to speak. And she had to bare children to prove that he is a man. The only way to do the deed was for him to imagine she was his friend from London. He felt bad for her and for himself because he couldn't be himself. And she had to sort of 'lye' in the bed they made and all they want is to be loved and they were just, simply unhappy."

Patrick had grabbed a napkin from the side of the couch and gave it to me.

"Thank you. Sorry about that, it just really hurts that that was society back then and some places still." Graham didn't know quite what to say next so he continued on with last Sunday's episode of the 8th series of Downton Abbey.

"Oh yes. I loved making it! Not as much as this Sunday's though."

"I was almost in tears when you were confronted by Hugh's character Lord Grantham about your running away from the monument." Jack recalled.

"Yes, here we have a clip of it..." Graham nodded to start the clip.

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><p>Mrs. Amelia Barrow followed Mrs. Hughes into the parlour where Dowager Grantham sat by the piano, Countess Cora sat on the couch by the fireplace, Mr. Carson standing near a pacing Lord Grantham. She walked past her husband Thomas Barrow, who stood near the door. She smiled a little smile at him and stood where Mrs. Hughes pointed.<p>

"Is anything the matter M'Lord?" She started.

"Is anything the matter?" Robert replied. "Is anything the matter?" He repeated angrily. "We erect a monument to remember those who fought and you run away."

"I deeply apologize, I did not mean to be disrespectful m'Lord."

"Disrespe... You were very rude!" His voice was getting louder. The Dowager and the countess' faces were looking worried. "I thought none of it until a few citizens complained to myself and Carson about your rudeness..."

"I do not wish to..." She started to say until Grantham cut her off.

"Explain yourself Mrs. Barrow."

Amelia tried to hold Lord Grantham's gaze and maintain her composure. She wasn't sure how to start. Or how they, everyone would react. She had to tell him. She had meant absolutely no disrespect.

"He was my first."

"Who was?" the Dowager asked her.

"Private Frederick Hudson." She quickly looked down and slowly breathed in. What would her co-workers think of her? Her employers? Her husband? She opened her eyes and met Lord Robert's. "We met in France, briefly. The year before the end of the war, when the Americans came." At those words, the women looked away. "The Germans were getting very close, and our aid station was ordered to evacuate before night fall. We could only bring those who could travel." Countess Cora tried to silence her gasp with her hand. "Hudson came in that afternoon with many other casualties." She took in another breath and continued. "He was covered in dirt and mud and much to much blood. He had multiple injuries, we wondered how he had managed to stay alive. Almost everyone and everything had been packed and loaded onto the trucks, but I could still hear him screaming, inaudible words." Cora could listen no more and ran out of the room, Mrs. Hughes running after her. Amelia continued even with the stares and gasps she was getting about her past. "I had tried to calm him and I asked for something to make him comfortable, but we were running low on supplies. The Germans were coming fast. We had to leave. He was in so much pain. His screams were scaring the other soldiers. I muffled his..." Amelia's voice was cracking but she continued "I muffled his screams with the pillow. It took a minute or two. He stopped. I placed the pillow back behind his head and ran." She looked around the room and held her head high. They had wanted to know why she ran. They insisted on it. She had to say it. She kept her head high as she saw Lord Grantham's head lower. "You never forget your first." She added, with a rather hateful tone.

"Thank you Mrs. Barrow." The Dowager broke the silence. "You may leave." Amelia Barrow looked to the Dowager and bowed ever so slightly. She felt if she had made any more movement that she would burst into tears. Amelia stayed silent as she turned and walked out of the room. Thomas watched her gracefully walk to the door, and as the door had almost closed behind her, he saw her run. He looked to Mr. Carson. He didn't know what to do.

"Go." Mr. Carson said, and off Thomas went, trying to find which way his wife ran off to. What was he to do?

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><p><em>Wow, that came out better than I thought... At least I hope so. It seemed a little long for a 'clip' of a show but I needed to say it so I could continue on to the next Chapter. The next chapter is more to do with happens later on, a week or two after Amelia divulges her history with Frederick and the war. Hope you liked this!<em>

_Oops, forgot she's married now so I had to go back and change her last name. Please let me know if I've missed one. Thank you._


	2. Chapter 2

_I own NONE of it. Please let me know what you think. Thank you and enjoy. Get the tissues because I cried writing this. Feelings._

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><p>The past week had been horrible, thought Amelia Barrow. She needed to get some air. Although it was dinner and she was starving, she had to leave the dinner table. She got up from the table.<p>

"Mr. Carson, may I be excused?" Mr. Carson was a little shocked at the hurriedness in her voice.

"Yes, of course Mrs. Barrow." Amelia gave a short curtsy, pushed back her chair and walked away, putting a hand in her pocket. As soon as she had left the room, the gossip had started. Mrs. Barrow grabbed her coat and headed out the door to the stables. It wasn't a short walk, but it was far enough from the noise.

Thomas had been a little late to dinner, and as he entered the room, there was silence. He looked around and saw why. Amelia wasn't there, and now her husband had arrived. Mrs. Hughes had tried to start a new subject but stopped the chatter when she felt Thomas glaring at her.

"She's excused herself not only but a few moments ago." Mr. Carson said to Thomas. He knew exactly where his wife had gone off to.

"Thank you Mr. Carson." He took a few pieces of bread and headed out. Grabbing his jacket, he couldn't help but feel for his missus. She had been keeping all of this bottled up inside her and now everything has changed. Her past had been news both downstairs and upstairs. And there had been murmurs around town. She wasn't a killer, but she couldn't see that anymore.

A few days after her aid station had evacuated, the Germans had invaded their abandoned hospital. They killed the few soldiers who were left and burnt the place to the ground. To know that she had spared Pvt Hudson from potential torture did little to help ease her guilt. There had been more mercy killings in her future during the war but had the same impact as her first.

"You never forget your first." Her words echoed in his mind. You never do.

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><p>Robert had stayed quiet for a good part of the week. He had felt such a fool for yelling at the poor girl. A fool for having listened to these 'concerned' citizens. A fool for getting angry at a woman's emotions. A fool for not stopping her telling her tale of war and loss. Mrs. Barrow was a good worker. A good woman, and he treated her wrongly.<p>

Lord Grantham stayed in the corner while his eyes gazed upon his family happily chatting away about the day's events. A hard drink in his hand and a look of sorrow on his face.

"You never forget your first." Her words repeated in a loop in his mind.

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><p>From the top of the hill, Thomas could barely see her shadow in the stables. As he got closer, he smelt how close he was and how much she had smoked. The stables were far enough away that the smell would have dissipated by the time it got to Downton. Thomas entered the quiet stables and saw Amelia. She stood there in her frock and coat. Her hair nicely tied and the nape of her neck. She was looking down at her feet as she rocked from side to side. Her right arm was by her side. Her delicate fingers held the malodourous culprit. Her left arm bent across her front and that hand holding her right arms' elbow away from her body. He walked to her side. He saw that she was staring off into the distance and followed her gaze. He saw nothing, but it was peaceful. He raised his left arm and held out some bread for her.<p>

Amelia looked to her right and smiled. "Thank you."

"You are welcome." He replied. She rose her right arm and handed him her cannabis stick. He gladly exchanged the smoke for the bread. If anything about their relationship was worthy, it was introducing him to marijuana. It had become popular in the 1920's but he had no idea of how beneficial it was to him. After his almost near-death experience with heroine to ease his pain in his hand, cannabis was much less harmful.

His spouse broke the stillness.

"Everyone knows. Have you seen the stares I get now? The silence that happens when I walk into a room. All the whispers when I leave. I wish they had kept their mouths shut. I had made peace with what I've done, but now..." Amelia's voice trailed off a bit. "But now, it's changed. Everything has changed. Everything that's happened that I've forgotten, that I've tried to push away... it's all come back. The looks I receive from everyone upstairs, and in the dining room, they were the looks I got from the other soldiers after what I'd done to Pvt Hudson. They were looks of sadness. Of pity. They are pitying me. I can't be having any of that." She looked up at Thomas, a tear rolling down her cheek. She took one last puff of cannabis. "Excuse me Thomas. I'll have to be getting back."

"Of course." Amelia took a step towards Thomas. He, in turn, tilted his head down and she gently kissed his lips. Displays of affection were not common between the two, but their friendship meant a lot to him. She was the only one who accepted him for who he was. The only one who knew who he was. She would often help him communicate with a friend of his through adverts in the newspaper. Amelia was there for him when his friend was sent to prison for acts of homosexuality. The pressure of not knowing how his friend was made him irritable. After finding out that he was beaten and killed while imprisoned, nearly killed Thomas.

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><p>Thomas had run to the stables, drunk with rage and sadness, Amelia quickly followed.<p>

"Thomas please, don't do this. Come to bed. You need to sleep this off."

"No! You wench." She pushed him, and he pushed her back. His screams and cries were scaring the horses. They bucked and neighed. Amelia had had enough. She was tired and she had no clue what to do.

"No!" She cried out. She fell to her knees and just cried. "I am sorry! I am so sorry Thomas!" He spun around, ready for an argument then saw her. He tried to blink the sweat dripping into his eyes away. He kicked a nearby bucket. The noise stopped Amelia's cries and she looked up. Thomas stumbled to a nearby table in front of an empty stall. Amelia rose up and ran to her husband. He held himself up, leaning with his arms outstretched on the table's edge. He cried in silence. She held his arm but he flung it away from her. They were facing each other, crying and sobbing. Sweat and tears running down their faces. Amelia's hands reached for his shirt collar and pulled him in. Their lips touched. He pulled away from hers and looked into her eyes. The arm which he previously pulled away from her, he rose it up to her face and with his thumb, caressed her lower lip. They shivered from the cold, and the fear and sadness. He could not hold his anger towards her. His mouth reached hers and in one motion, he lifted her onto the table and began to stroke her thighs. No thoughts had crossed their minds. Their actions were all that mattered in that moment.

He lifted her skirt and she undid his trousers. The heat, the passion, the pain, it was almost too much. He needed to feel. She needed it too. They needed to forget. They needed to love. To feel loved. To be loved. He pulled her to the edge of the table but struggled. He panted in her neck. Trying. She closed her eyes.

"Think of him." She whispered in his ear. He pulled his head away from her hair. He saw the look in her eyes. The pain, the sorrow, the love. Their breaths had synced and their breathing became louder. He stepped in closer to her openness and his left hand reached the nape of her neck and pulled her in. His lips met hers with more passion then she had ever imagined. More than she ever could imagine. His right hand held the small of her back. Her hands tangled in his hair and under his disheveled shirt. He could no longer hold back. She needed him. And he, her.

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><p>Thomas knew how little time they had away from the Abbey, and he knew how much he had left. Just enough to finish the stick. Amelia slowly headed back to Downton but stopped when she got to the stable doorway.<p>

"Thomas?" She asked. Her husband turned around to face her.

"Yes Amelia?"

"Am I pretty?" Thomas was a little confused at the question.

"Am I pretty?" She repeated. Mr. Barrow let out one last breath of smoke and walked towards his wife.

"Beautiful." He replied. He held out his arm to her and they walked back to Downton.

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><p>Anna was helping Lady Mary undress when Lady Edith walked in.<p>

"I'm sorry to disturb you, but have you seen Amelia, Anna?" Edith inquired.

"Amelia? No, M'Lady. Not since dinner."

"Oh. I'm usually in bed by now, but she hasn't come at all." The ladies looked to each other.

"Perhaps she is with that husband of hers? Mr. Barrow." Lady Mary suggested.

"Most likely. I'll be right over Lady Edith to help you, as soon as I've finished with Lady Mary." Offered Anna.

"Thank you Anna."

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><p>Cora observed her husband walking around the room.<p>

"Robert, will you stop pacing about, please. You're making me dizzy."

"I'm sorry Cora... It's just, I've made a mess of that poor girl's life. She hadn't done anything to deserve that."

"Well, did you tell her?" Asked Cora. He stopped in his steps.

"No. I haven't."

"Well, perhaps that's why. Apologize to her in the morning."

"Yes." Lord Grantham agreed. "And better yet, I'll let her and her husband, Thomas take a day or two to themselves."

"That is an even better plan, dear."

"I will let Carson know of my intention immediately." With that, Robert walked out of the bedroom calling out for Mr. Carson. Luckily, he hadn't gotten very far.

"Yes M'Lord?"

"Carson, I wish to speak to Thomas and Amelia tomorrow morning. Please do let them know tonight."

"Very well M'Lord."

"Thank you."

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><p>Mr. Carson was heading towards his office when he noticed Thomas walking past.<p>

"Mr. Barrow?" He called out. Thomas walked back into view.

"Yes Mr. Carson?"

"Lord Grantham wishes to speak to you and Mrs. Barrow tomorrow morning. Would you be so kind as to let your significant other know of this?" Thomas was a little nervous. The last time Lord Grantham wanted to speak to him was when he had overdosed on heroine and had a good tongue lashing for bringing harmful substances into a house where children reside.

"Yes Mr. Carson."

"Thank you. I will let her know of this if I see her before you do." Carson added.

"Thank you Mr. Carson." With that, Carson headed downstairs. Mrs. Hughes over heard the conversation and followed Mr. Carson to his office. Thomas, on the other hand, headed back upstairs to speak with Amelia. He walked towards Lady Edith's room to wait for her when he saw Mrs. Bates walking out of the room.

"Mrs. Bates?"

"Mr. Barrow?" Anna asked back. "Have you seen Mrs. Barrow?"

"No, I haven't. I was just coming up to see her after she puts Lady Edith to bed."

"She's not here. Lady Edith had been waiting for quite some time when she came and found me in Lady Mary's room." Anna continued to speak but Thomas wasn't listening. Where could she have gone? She must be helping Mrs. Padmore in the kitchen. Now that Daisy's gone to school, she needed the extra help. Thomas rushed down the stairs and into the servant's kitchen.

"Mrs. Padmore, has Amelia been in here?" Thomas was beginning to worry now. He didn't stop to listen to her.

"No, I haven't seen her Mr. Barrow." Mrs. Padmore shouted at him.

"Amelia?" Thomas began to yell out. "Amelia? Amelia!" He ran past the ladies' maids who were discussing talking pictures.

"Well, we can't be having any of that." One of them replied.

Mr. Barrow stopped in his tracks. Those words... His mind was racing. He went back to that moment in the stables. He remembered Amelia asking "am I pretty?" and he told her she was "beautiful."

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><p>Mr. Molesley was in the parlour with Lord Grantham.<p>

"I hope I'm not keeping you up Molesley?"

"No sure." He replied, stifling a yawn.

"I apologize for being up past bedtime, but I just couldn't sleep."

"Perhaps a walk around the gardens M'Lord?"

"Splendid idea Molesley. There's no need for you to accompany me."

"Are you certain M'Lord?" Asked Molesley.

"Yes, now go on. And thank you." They were headed for the door when they heard shouting. Lord Grantham and Molesley rushed out of the parlour to see what was going on. Mrs. Hughes and Mr. Carson were pursuing Mr. Barrow to the door.

"Carson!" called out Lord Grantham. "What is going on?"

"It's Mr. Barrow M'Lord. He's running around like a madman." Carson replied, out of breath. They could hear Thomas screaming her name as he ran outside. Something was wrong. Lord Grantham ran after him. He didn't know why, but he had to. They could see Thomas heading for the stables.

Thomas was almost there, but there wasn't a smell. Something was in the air. A feeling he couldn't describe. He could see her shadow in the lit stable. The short cracklings of hay under his fast feet and the pounding of his heart were the only things he heard. He saw her at the end of the stable. His heart leapt for joy until he saw the gun in her hand.

"Amelia!" He cried out. He yelled out. She spun around. He kept running. He stumbled and fell to his feet.

Lord Grantham saw him fall. He ran faster.

Thomas looked up from the ground and saw her standing there. He saw the light hit her tears stained face. Her tired eyes. The pain in her heart.

Carson, Hughes and Molesley watched the scene unfolding in front of their eyes.

"I'm sorry." She whispered. She quickly rose her packed hand to her temple and pulled.

Mrs. Padmore and the other servants downstairs, the countess and her daughters upstairs. The loud _crack_ was heard. Everyone stopped.

Thomas had only let his heart beat once. He was back on his feet and running.

His lordship ran a few beats later. He had reached the stables and was shocked at what he saw.

A lifeless Mrs. Barrow in the arms of her husband. He held her tightly to his chest, rocking back and forth. He stopped in his tracks. He could hear Thomas' soft whispered cries.

"Don't leave me. Please don't leave me here. Don't leave me here alone. Please."


End file.
